Friday, November 17, 2017
How, if You’re a Man, to Deal With the Fact That You’re Probably Trash
verysmartbrothas.theroot.com: The one thing I keep coming back to when thinking about Louis C.K. now isn’t the bizarre and abusive sexual habits revealed, in detail, last week by the New York Times—repeated forms of sexual misconduct that confirm the long-standing rumors about him and validate platforms such as Gawker, who first reported on this several years ago. It’s also not his statement following the Times story dropping where he admits that the women who came forward are telling the truth and covers almost every base but doesn’t quite read as an apology (mainly because he doesn’t actually apologize).
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So this article is part of the problem that we have in society. You’re a man? Oh you must be sexist and egotistical and misogynistic. The problem with articles like this is that the author is calling everyone who is part of a particular group names and casting them in a negative light because of the actions of a few. Well, we can also lay blame at the feet of women for some of the problems in society as well and while that could be an interesting social experiment in trying to debate the particulars, I won’t do it here. My point is that while yes, some men are scum sucking leeches, not all of us are and to lump us all into one group because of an individuals actions does not further the conversation or change the attitudes that people have towards each other. It is not going to get better or improve relationships if we all continue to resort to finger pointing and name calling. In the end, the real winners are those who put the stereotypes behind and are willing to engage in and be a part of the change that needs to take place to prevent future harassment and other instances of abuse. If you want to stop racism, stop talking about race.
I see. Not all men are like that. Women cause problems, too. Oppressed people should be polite if they want men / white men / white people to help them. If you want change, stop talking about it.
Right.
The fact that every woman I know has had multiple experiences with harassment and misogyny would suggest that it isn’t the “actions of a few.” I, personally, have been groped, followed, harassed, and cat called more times than I can count. And then there is the mountain of experiences with casual misogyny.
Misogyny and racism are shaped like pyramids: the more heinous, violent crimes at the top and then a wide base of more ‘benign’ behaviors that support the system above: it’s a brother telling his sister she's cool for not being offended about his demeaning jokes, it’s a boss who only hires women he wants to sleep with, it’s men who only talk over women in meetings, it’s a man assuming a woman knows less than him because she's a woman, it’s men who continue to flirt with women when they are clearly not into it (or treating them like prizes to be won,) it’s men being openly surprised when women have traditionally male skills. It’s men telling women with legitimate complaints that they’re too emotional, that they shouldn’t be angry, that they should just calm down. It’s men who’ve watched their friends do all of the above and not called them out on it. The list goes on.
The language of the article is dramatic, but it has points worth listening to and learning from rather than responding to with defensiveness. There are plenty of men who have not assaulted or catcalled women, but there are a whole lot more who have participated in actions at the base of the pyramid, actions that support an institutionalized system revolving around the devaluation of women. This article is asking you to examine how you participate in that system. It’s not telling men they are unredeemable monsters… it’s telling them they most likely participate in devaluation and should do better.
On an average day, 20,000 phone calls are placed to domestic violence hotlines in the US. Victims are overwhelmingly women. 1 in 6 women will experience an attempted or completed rape in her life. Extrapolating from that number, how many do you think experience sexual harassment? How many experience casual misogyny? Do you think polite conversation is going to dismantle that? Do you think misogynists and racists are going to be suddenly empathetic if you have a nice chat?
Do you know what dismantles that? Consequences. And loud social pressure. And creating an environment in which actions at the bottom of the pyramid, actions that support the violence at the top, are no longer acceptable.
No devalued, oppressed category has ever, ever achieved change by “not talking about it.” I’m willing to be proven wrong. Try to find an example.
Until then, I’ll keep shouting.
I love a lot of the points that this article makes, but one of them sticks out to me more than any other. I can't even think of how many times I've heard men and women alike use the phrase "men are dogs" to excuse men's shitty behavior. However, when we say "men are trash," men lose their damn minds. These pretty much mean the same thing, but for some reason, men feel that equating themselves to dogs is a valid excuse for their garbage behavior. It's also amazing how aggressively and frantically men jump to their own defense. Perhaps instead of getting defensive and angry, you should take a step back and examine yourself. Why are men trash? If you aren't sure, ask literally any woman, and I'm sure they'd be happy to elaborate. Okay, now you have that information. What are you doing that makes you somehow different? Have you ever explained something to a grown woman as though she were a toddler? Have you ever cut a woman off in conversation because you feel that your opinions and ideas are more important? Misogyny isn't all about catcalling and assaulting women. Yeah, don't do that, but there are far more fundamental ideas in our society that are perpetuated by men every second of every day. Like Rachel discusses, misogyny is a pyramid with a very wide base. The base is all of the everyday things that women experience on a regular basis, from having a professor only spend extra time and attention on male students, to feeling nervous getting in an Uber alone with a male driver, to hearing casual jokes about assault and sexism. Misogyny is rooted extremely deeply in society, and it will take a while to change, but we will get nowhere by ignoring it.
The second to last paragraph reminded me that I personally know someone who categorize women into “want to fuck” and “don’t want to fuck”, and jokingly said I would be in the first category like it is a freaking honor and I should be flattered. I removed this person from my life but I know so many women do not have much of a choice to remove men like this from their life completely. I saw a post a couple of days ago that said: “God, I could really get used to this strange new world of Men Experiencing Consequences.” So funny that it hurts. I still see people describing the outburst of exposure on sexual harassments and rapes as a witch hunt, that these accusations “ruin” these horrible disgusting people’s career, people who took sexual advantage of others and got away. Nobody is ruining their careers other than themselves.
I swear if I hear the phrase "not all men" one more time I will scream. This article makes you uncomfortable? Good. It makes you feel defensive? Why don't you examine that instead of complaining that this is just so hard for you or is a witch hunt. Its about time us witches started hunting down the predators and aggressors and even those who were 'only' complicit in their silence or inaction.
As Lindy West says in her NYT article, "Yes, This Is a Witch Hunt. I’m a Witch and I’m Hunting You." (https://www.nytimes.com/2017/10/17/opinion/columnists/weinstein-harassment-witchunt.html)
As the article states, if all of these news stories are making you concerned about your own behavior and if you should be worried or not--"The answer, of course, is hell fucking yes. We are all complicit. We are all agents of patriarchy, and we’ve all benefited from it. We are all active contributors to rape culture. All of us. No one is exempt. We all have investments in and take deposits out of the same bank. And we all need to accept and reconcile ourselves with the fact that, generally speaking, we are trash." So yeah, all men. If you spend as much time as you do complaining about how this is unfair or unjust as you did to actively take steps to dismantle the patriarchy then maybe we'd have some actual progress.
I'll end it with this statement: "I know it stings. It should. It should sizzle. It should stun. It should burn a hole through your fucking back. But this sting is just an acknowledgment of reality, and the discomfort it’s causing is that reality punching you in the chest. These countless instances of abuse are the natural and unsurprising result of a culture—of a world—that devalues women. And considers them disposable. And treats them as if agency is nonexistent. And attempts to corral their sexuality and maintain a lordship over it while simultaneously rewarding men for conquering it."
We should, by this point, realize that 'not all men' or 'all lives matter' are just defenses of those who are unable to recognize the amount of privilege they have, and their inability or refusal to be decent and check their privilege and work for change.
Yes, this article is inflammatory, but it is meant to be. It seems as though a lot of men don't understand why women are so angry, and why we feel like we have to yell and scream and call you idiots. It is not because we want to (although sometimes it is true) it is because when we talk, and when we shut up things don't change. They stay the way that they are. No social movement in the world ever succeeded because the group who was being mistreated just shut up and let the men figure it out. They demanded attention, and demanded their rights and got loud. It is true that all men will commit sexual assault in their life, of course not. But I would put money on that all men have watched a friend of theirs say something gross to a woman, and walk away or pretend not to hear it. Sexual assault isn't just about the act of rape or groping or physical harm it is about the hundreds of micro aggressions found daily in our society toward women. It is about the fact that every time I unlock my front door to my apartment building I watch it close to make sure no one stopped it and can follow me upstairs. It is the constant fear I am in not only of men I don't know but of men that I do. A lot in this article is meant to make people angry and to stir up trouble, and I think thats fantastic, because no one ever listens to you if you play by the rules.
Although this article is worded is a rather harsh way I have to say that I completely agree with this author. One of my favorite parts of this article is when the author says, ”It’s recognizing that there’s no distinction between ‘men are dogs’ and ‘men are trash. It’s accepting that those selfish, destructive and oblivious acts aren’t inherently male. They’re just inherently trash.” This is very reminiscent of the argument of boys will be boys which is something that’s both harmful to women and men. First, it attempts to justify abuse towards women and secondly it implies that men are menaces that can’t control themselves. By accepting abuse as the norm you put women in danger and reinforce this male stereotype. The reality is that men are not inherently bad, but play into a system that has been designed to raise them up and push women down. If you have ever talked down to a woman, or implied her only worth is her datability, or catcalled, you have both fed the system and exhibited trash behavior. Without articles like this men are going to continue to do this, and won’t see why all of this is so toxic. Maybe “trash” is a harsh word, but it definitely got you to read an article about feminism huh?
Although this recent "purge" (or at least exposure) of Hollywood producers and performer who are being accused of sexual harassment and assault is a good thing, there is one part of it that I find astounding. Almost every article I have read about a person who has been exposed has had almost the exact same line: "Rumors/allegations have apparently been present for over five/ten/twenty years." This is what I find astounding: their astonishment. If you could ask literally any random woman on this planet of Earth they would not be surprised at all. This behavior is so utterly pervasive in our society the fact that all of these industry professionals have enacted it or been complicit in it is wholly unsurprising to any woman alive. The societal conditioning of men and the power structures in place in both the industry and society as a whole reinforce this behavior and see it as admissible and in many cases what it is to be a "real man." That is why this article uses such a blanket statement. No "not all men" are trash but enough of them are complicit (many in ways that they don't even realize) that they are part of the problem.
If you were attacked by a dog, just once in your life, you would have a very valid reason for disliking or even fearing all dogs. If you were repeatedly harassed, catcalled, made to be uncomfortable, ignored, and assaulted by men, well now you can’t hold that against the whole sex.
I know logically that “most” men have not assaulted or harmed women. I know that “most” are nice guys. But can you blame me for being cautious? My gut reaction to being alone with a man has been for some time, and likely will continue to be, anxiety and fear. I actively need to force myself to speak up for myself because I my instinct is to submit since that means that I will survive (even if I’m harmed in the process). Please don’t remind me that “not all men” are bad or that I “can’t judge a whole bushel by just a few bad apples”. My experiences have led me to withhold trust based on sex.
You need to look at your life and how those around you have behaved. If more men and women were just aware of the problem and actively tried to change their behavior on a day-to-day basis – the world would be a much better, kinder, and safer place. Stop participating in the devaluation and objectification of women. Stop supporting the pyramid.
This article is a rather harsh and abrasive way of saying what we all know is true. We live in a world where the ‘status quo’ for a non-breaking news day is another sex scandal. We are becoming so comfortable with the fact that every day we hear another story of someone’s rights to their own body and privacy being violated, and the response is always a passive remark about how it “will be the last time” and “this behavior will not be tolerated”, when, in reality, nothing is going to happen. All of these stories will fade into the dark in dusty corners of our world, and never to be forced into the light again. These comments may sound pessimistic, but, in my mere 18 years, this is the pattern I have observed to be the truth of our world. I hope that, with my generation, we strive to rectify this pattern, and maybe this cycle of violence does have an end.
Heeeeey. A bit late to the party here, I see. But boy oh boy do I have some thoughts. Ever wondered what it's like being a female TD? No? Oh, here, I'll help you. Let's not forget that my VERY FIRST interaction with another grad student from a different department during orientation was as follows: "Oh, I'm a new TD here, looking forward to it." Male grad student: "A TD? But you're a woman?!" Yes. Thank you. I'm aware of that fact. Thank you for reminding me of my sex, silly me had forgotten. Let's not forget, that last year I destroyed my wrist and thumb joint building down in the shop because I was too afraid of being punished and having my job leads taken away from me if I asked for a few nights off to rest my hand. Let's reread that. I was afraid to ask my male project managers for a few nights off to save my body from harm because I didn't want to be viewed as too weak to complete the tasks necessary of a job lead. Me, being the only female grad TD, didn't want to express any kind of weakness, just in case I would be punished. Let's maybe continue this discussion over tea while you tell me that women are the cause of sexism in my field.
While this article is overtly blunt and maybe a little dramatic, there is truth to what is being said. “We are all complicit. We are all agents of the patriarchy, and we’ve all benefited from it. We are all active contributors to rape culture. All of us.” This quote, while geared towards men, is so revealing to the society we live in. Even if you are a man and you have never actually sexually assaulted or harassed someone, you have probably contributed to the environment that makes it okay for these things to happen. You don’t have to openly catcall someone or force yourself onto them to be, theoretically, trash. Simply by existing in an environment, where you neglect to use your privilege as a male (maybe even a white male), you are contributing to an environment that will view you as trash. And maybe, off of what Claire said previously, the word trash is just more provocative because other words don’t have such a negative connotation, but if your so enraged to be called trash, try to, collectively, stop acting like it.
It's incredibly telling that the person denouncing this article as untrue is a man.
This article tells no lies. All men who were socialized as men are sexist. Every single one. And that is not necessarily trash. But the unwillingness to work on yourself and fight the disgusting systems that are ingrained in us since birth is.
As the article mentions, racism is also ingrained in us since birth. That being said I still love and support my white mother and my white friends though I am a black person. This is because when I call them out they take the criticism and work on their behavior.
Men who can't do that are the men who are trash. Men who get so wrapped up in being called trash that they ignore the actual message that is being told to them are the one's who are trash.
I really hope that every man who reads this article feels sick enough to their stomach about it to change their violent nature. Masculinity kills and non- cis men are now demanding better.
If you are a man and you don't want to be trash, work on yourself and correct your buddies. Make concrete change instead of just talking about change for once.
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