Dance Magazine: It often starts as a little voice. "She looked better doing that combination than I did." "I'm never going to get that role." But over time, the whispers can turn to shouts. "I'm not as good as they think I am." "I'm never going to make it as a professional dancer." "I don't belong in this program."
8 comments:
Imposter syndrome basically lives with me. Pretty much every program, class, school that I've gone to, I felt like an absolute fraud. I refuse to believe any compliments and I know it's an issue, but I also don't want to seem overconfident. Although, I totally understand how one reward to your hard work can make the imposter syndrome go away, even for just a minute. Getting into Carnegie Mellon brought another level of imposter syndrome, but at the same time, erased the imposter syndrome of all past programs that I had attended. Another thing that helps me is talking about imposter syndrome with my peers. Learning that pretty much everyone around me was feeling the same things that I was and going through the same internal struggles was incredibly validating. Recently I've learned to give myself some more slack when it comes to my personal success, and celebrate it instead of convincing myself that it was undeserved.
I feel like in a program like Carnegie Mellon drama or just Carnegie Mellon University in general imposter syndrome runs rampant. It often feels to me like I am pitted against my peers and it often feels like I don't necessarily belong because I am not good enough or successful enough. I honestly think that it is a huge issue at CMU and the format of the program definitely contributes. I think that it is something the institution should be aware of and actively work on preventing. Because in the end everyone has worked hard and everyone deserves to be at the school doing the things they are doing. Even if sometimes it is harder to succeed or failure occurs that doesn't negate the fact that you belong and deserve to be there. I think with art especially it is so rampant because it is so personal and so hard to quantify what is success because it is all so subjective.
Last year was the first time I really encountered imposter syndrome and I'd like to say that those feelings have since passed but sometimes that feeling of not being enough, of not deserving to be surrounded by all the staggeringly intelligent and talented people I surround myself with still creeps into my mind. I think one of the reasons imposter syndrome hit so hard last year was because of Basic Design. As someone that doesn't consider herself artistically inclined it was nerve-wracking and almost embarrassing to see my work displayed alongside my peers. It was hard to walk down the hallway and see all of our projects and be so proud of the work everyone else created and wonder if mine deserved to be there. One of the things that really pulled me out of that headspace was something Bea Esfahani said to me once. "Comparison is the thief of joy." Once I stopped thinking of being here as a race I felt perpetually behind in and rather a park we're all on different journeys in I didn't feel like I was less than. Each person has skills and talents and interests that are unique to them and their life experiences. We all have different goals and there's a reason we use the word individual as a synonym for person. We aren't supposed to be like or better or on par with anyone else because we as individuals are singular.
I would like to say that imposter syndrome is not really a problem for me, but I would simply be lying. (There’s a reason why I always comment on imposter syndrome articles, and that’s because I see myself in them too much! Haha…) I know that imposter syndrome is not something I experience alone in my class, not by a long shot, which might allude things about the program we’re in. But I’ve always had problems with imposter syndrome. I more often than not feel like I “fell into” a lucky situation because of my minority status or because I come from a low-income family or even because of specific circumstances of my parents. It’s never an awesome feeling to feel like you’ve gotten something because somebody exercised pity on you. I often hear advice that “whether or not you belong here, at least you’re here and you should make the most of it, right?!” But honestly, it’s hard to forget thinking about how you’re hack and just “let it roll off your back.” Maybe I should go to therapy! Haha!
Imposter syndrome has definitely been something I have had to deal with and work on. It’s scary thinking that people will find out you’re not as good as they think you are or you are not cut out for the program. I always have to remind myself that even if I’m not perfect or I feel like I’m failing, I’m here for a reason. That’s super difficult and sometimes it’s hard to convince myself that. I will say a lot of the tips they gave are actually very helpful, especially the one about having a support system outside of your field. Sometimes the school of drama can feel like a bubble and you get sucked into it. Everything feels like the most important thing in the world and your value is based upon the work you produce. You just need people to remind you that you are more than your work.
I find myself experiencing imposter syndrome often. It started with wondering if I only got into the school because of the compositions I played in my interview- which I’ve only ever done once, with no formal piano training, and was largely based on luck (I believe) I wonder if I’ll ever be able to do something like that again or if all of my compositions will sound the same. Then I also struggle with knowing that I was a waitlisted student, which I’m open about. I know realistically that it doesn’t really matter because I ended up here but it still gets to me sometimes. I know that I have imposter syndrome, but every time I get good feedback or a good grade and it feels like a RELIEF instead of something to be proud of, I worry myself. During freshman orientation, we had a talk about how rampant imposter syndrome was at CMU, regardless of major. This makes me think that maybe the heads of our schools should be confirming to us our worth at the beginning of the year instead of our RA’s. I opened up to my directors about how I got a lot of my self worth from their approval and they started telling me they’re proud of me randomly throughout the day. It actually felt really nice. Hopefully we can start implementing things in the future to help with imposter syndrome in the School of Drama, and at the University.
I think I have always battled with imposter syndrome but never truly knew what it was called. The summer between my junior and senior year of high school I read "Everything All At Once" by Bill Nye where he tackles the topic of imposter syndrome, which was the first time I have ever heard of the topic. I was struck by that concept I rewrote all of my college essay to revolve around imposter syndrome. I think this article was definitely really helpful to understand exactly what imposter syndrome is and what you are feeling on the inside. I also think it helps people know that they are not the only people feeling imposter syndrome and it is something that is common amongst most of us. I think it's insanely hard to have the confidence of "yes i deserve to be here" or even "yes this is the right path for me" all the time. I do agree with the article where you have to find what works best for you to center yourself and have a clear head because I am a believer that you can speak things in to existence. I believe that if you are constantly telling yourself that you don't deserve to be here then eventually your work will start reflecting that, I think that fear is how I combat my imposter syndrome, almost taking the road of fake it till I make it. But who knows maybe that isnt the most healthiest way to combat that.
I sometimes feel imposter syndrome, as I feel as though my theater experience is a lot less diverse than some of my classmates. I come from a typical public-school program with a small-town feel. I was the only person in my entire grade to go into college for theater. We attended 1 competition every year and we were always disqualified on round 1, so we never took it too seriously. I feel like in a typical year, my lack of experience in areas I am unfamiliar with would be reinforced by doing crew calls or working with upperclassmen, but since the pandemic did not let us have any of that, a lot of my practical experience is still at my high-school level. This feeling is especially hitting me now when looking at internships, as I feel underqualified. Despite all these reservations, I just hold on to the fact that I was accepted into the program and remember how validated I felt when I received my acceptance. I would never take my position in this program for granted, and I am determined to work hard to bolster my shortcomings.
Post a Comment