The New York Times: Recently, I was sitting on my couch between two influential, Emmy-winning writers, one a man and one a woman. We were talking about consequences. The comedian Louis C.K.’s entire life seemed to have been canceled overnight. His movie wasn’t being released, and his representatives dropped him after five women accused him of sexual harassment, behavior he then admitted. In just the past week, more famous and admired men have lost their jobs for such behaviors. Enter Charlie Rose and Matt Lauer right behind him and then Garrison Keillor.
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I completely agree. I have heard some of my male friends ask, "Where does it end?" I think the correct answer is that it doesn't. Unveiling sexual harassment and abuse allegations does not end until even the subconscious benefiters of the patriarchy recognize and fix their behavior. Men may feel, as the article says, anxious and afraid, but that is just the way women have felt for the last couple millennia. If the culture of fear of repercussion is built up in such a way that sexual harassment and abuse become obsolete, I have no qualms with making men uncomfortable. I think it is an interesting notion, giving men a taste of their own medicine because that is really what this unveiling is. All that being said, could we have more articles not about Harvey Weinstein or Louis C.K.? It is hard to write about the same topic in so many different ways.
This line really hits home with me: "Choosing consequences doesn’t belong to you anymore.” I hope that all men really and truly grasp this. You can't decide when you are sorry enough or when or even if you deserve forgiveness. I don't care what your statement says now or how you intend to spend time reflecting on your past mistakes. Those mistakes should haunt and define the rest of your life, career, and shape whatever legacy you are going to have. Redemption is not for you to decide.
As the article asks, "Why do we need to talk about the redemption of men when we are right in the middle of the salvation of women? Not even the middle, but the very beginning? Why are we obligated to care about salvaging male careers when we have just begun to tell the stories that have plagued us for lifetimes?" Why is this even a topic of conversation? I don't care what is next for Matt or Harvey. I don't care that they are apologetic and looking for forgiveness. Forgiveness is not for them to ask for.
As for feelings of dread, that this witch hunt will engulf you too male coworker, pay attention. The author writes, "I’ve heard several male friends talk about text chains they are on with other men only; they describe it as a safe space to talk about how they feel in this moment. They feel afraid, disoriented and discounted. And I understand their need for such comfort and security. I am a woman. I know nothing other than needing such comfort and security, for my entire life." This is a world that women have lived in for a long time now, and men are just dipping their toe's into the surface.
We are at a critical point. We are, in the"midst of a reckoning. It’s what toxic masculinity’s own medicine tastes like. And people should allow the consequences to unfold, regardless of how it affects those they consider to be friends. The only way to enforce seismic, cultural change in the way men relate to women is to draw a line deep in the sand and say: This is what we will no longer tolerate. You’re either with our bodies or against our bodies. The punishment for harassment is you disappear. The punishment for rape is you disappear. The punishment for masturbation in front of us is you disappear. The punishment for coercion is you disappear." You don't deserve a legacy. You don't deserve to have a place in history other than a footnote in the revolution of the work place and society no longer accepting abuse and assault.
As for redemption, that is a complicated process that I'm not sure how can begin. The author's take is a strong one, but one I still need to come to grips with. Ending this piece, she says, "Redemption must be preceded by atonement. It is earned, not offered. If you want amends, you have to make them. You have to acknowledge the line in the sand. Once you do this, the next step is simple: Pick a side. Choose us." I'd like to add on to this--choose us and do so without the expectation of being forgiven or praised for your choice.
Consequences suck, they really do. But what questions about "redemption" and "all of this" just being "over" signify to me is that men do not really understand the nature of the culture they have been perpetuating, in part or in whole. The victims of these harassment, assault, and rape cases have been grappling with consequences of the actions of others for years, consequences that usually take the shape of lasting - if not lifelong - emotional damage and psychological trauma. No prison sentence or judicial wrist slap will ever compare. And to that end, I hope, but sincerely doubt that many of these men will see the inside of a prison; the judicial system is still not a place conducive to victims finding justice. Just look at Brock Turner, making headlines once again in his own redemptive quest. How do you think Emily Doe feels right about now? The judicial system is outdated, so forgive us if we cling to this revolution. Yes, it's not convenient for men, especially those falling from grace now. But holding tales of assault in for 30 or so years (as in some cases)? Yeah, that's not too convenient either.
I read this article the day that it came out and it so perfectly described what I have been feeling the past couple weeks. Yes it is sad that all of these men are being fired from their jobs but often the way we have this conversation is about how the men will redeem themselves and how we will build back the culture of men in charge just without assault. What I would like to see is a shift in culture where women are now in positions of power. People seem to be son surprised about all of these men being fired and all gender alike don't really know what to do with the fact that there now seem to be consequences for men who behave badly. I was reading a story about a woman who got a man kicked out of a bad because he groped her, and she said the look on his face was just pure shock, as though his whole world of being able to do whatever he wants suddenly had a crack in it. Thats what I want to see. I want to see every man I know's world crack in half and for women to be the people who put it back together, in positions of power. Men have to start seeing that there are consequences for their actions, and I'm ready to be angry at them for as long as it takes, before we even get close to redemption.
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