Monday, November 14, 2011
How to Have an Uncomfortable Conversation with a Problematic Coworker (Without Being an Asshole)
Lifehacker: In every organization, at some point, a worker comes along with an intolerable smell, personal space issues, lack of volume control, or one of many problems that negatively affect your work environment and are particularly awkward to confront. While there's really no way to resolve your discomfort, when it's time to tell your coworker the truth there are definitely good ways to get the job done.
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17 comments:
This technique seems very basic and much like common sense. It might be a bit out there to try and out yourself in their shoes, but the one thing that would be difficult to do is get the person help. Depending on the issue, trying to get the person help could be a little risky and they could take it in the wrong way. Having the discussion in the first play is definitely a way in which you can bring up the issue, but when you try to solve it for people I feel that when it can spiral downward significantly. The one thing they say is to not be condescending or arrogant, but how do you solve that? Getting them help might be great, but how do you do it without making them feel worthless or like you are stepping on them?
Certainly these are awkward conversations to have. At times we all have to have these types of interactions with coworkers. I think the article highlights the need for discretion and sensitivity when approaching your colleagues. No one wants to be accused. And most people feel bad when they learn that others have been made uncomfortable by their presence. But if you were in their position, wouldn't you want someone to tell you in as nice as a way as possible? At the end of the day, everyone wants to be comfortable in the work environment they inhabit.
I'm glad this article showed up, since in our business (like any other) we often find ourselves working with people who may have something going on that we find disconcerting or distracting. I think it's also relevant because a lot of the situations mentioned also apply in the case of roommates or housemates, and how to appropriately bring up issues with them. The thing I took away the most was the reminder that it's important to never be condescending, and to remember that the person probably doesn't know they're causing a problem, or they don't know how to fix the problem and are just unable to ask for help. A little effort on both sides can help make these problems small.
This article brought to mind a situation where a certain person had an issue with body odor. After several comments to the cast about using deodorant and showering and just generally keeping the costumes neat to make my life easier, I hoped the problem would resolve. It didn't. After the general announcement didn't work, I spoke to the individual privately telling him that he needed to use more deodorant and perhaps reapply it during the show. It didn't help. I brought in spray antiperspirant and announced that it was for anyone who forgot theirs or wanted to reapply some during the show. I handed the spray to the offending individual expecting him to use it and asking him to take it to the men's dressing room to share. He sat it down and one of the other actors in the show, picked it back up angrily and shoved it into the troublesome individual's hands saying, "She means you dude. Go use it. You reek." It's nice to be nice, but sometimes, you just have to be blunt.
Striking the balance between overly aggressive confrontation and passive aggressive hinting is sometimes difficult with these types of delicate situations. This article suggests a really efficient way of dealing with this. It's important to get your message across, but it's equally important not to offend the other party so that they can actually benefit from any attempted help. Often times I've seen these situations handled in other ways and there were no positive results. It's important to be considerate.
This is a touchy subject. Because the problems they are touching on in this article are things that people don't notice and are intrinsic. It is not like a personal conflict because that is easy to identify and generally work through. But when it is a residual problem that is intrinsic to a person then it is hard to deal with. I would say approach the situation with tack. You are the one with the problem not the other person, you are the one who can't deal with the situation and so should be as careful as possible. I think there point about putting yourself in the other persons shoes is an appropriate one, that is always good for getting people on your side.
Undeniably, these conversations will always be awkward and I, sorry to say, always avoid them at all costs. As Mary mentioned, as a costume designer or wardrobe crew member, one has to learn the proper way to approach the situation. But it's normally through direct confrontation. Luckily, we also work in an industry where people are fairly open with one another so the opportunities are more easily approachable than in an office. However, confrontation is always a scary word for me. I'm grateful that this article provided some tips on how to approach it, but I still realize that it's an area I need to work on.
More often than not, it's probably better for a superior to have this conversation with the coworker. It is the manager/supervisor's responsibility to patrol the behavior of the workers he or she is responsible for, and so the offending coworker might be more receptive to hearing this advice from a superior. Unless you're close friends with a coworker or you know he or she is a pretty easy-going person, acknowledging any sort of awkward problem could harm your working relationship regardless of how polite you are.
Just reading parts of this article and imagining myself in the situation of having to have an uncomfortable conversation with a coworker, made me feel uncomfortable. Even with the the steps suggested in this article, I think that there is really no way of diffusing the awkwardness of these kinds of situations. Of course, not being an asshole, and creating a comfortable atmosphere in which to have these particular conversations can certainly do a lot to help, but in the end it will really depend on how both individuals involved work together to overcome the awkward moment.
I am not sure that "smelly" is the best example here. I agree that as a manager you must be gentle, but sometimes being gentle doesn't work. If you are a curt and to the point a think people would appreciate it more. If you have a problem with me, I would rather you come out and say it in a direct way, so that I may take action (if possible).
I think that this, as many other articles, boil down to... it depends. Each relationship is different and each situation is different. However, it does do a good job of shooing the difference between a useful conversation and being an asshole.
I also think that sometimes, like Mary said, we tiptoe around issues that just need to be attacked head on. This is not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes the most direct route is the best for everyone, especially when someone is really not aware of the problem.
Having been an undergrad that crossed over into the computer science department here the "you might want to consider bathing more frequently than once a week" conversation seemed to come up with an annoying frequency, possibly more often than some of the students would shower. The ways of dealing with it often didn't seem to follow what's being suggested here though, since in addition to lack of bathing CS majors also tend to be rather blunt. It made it pretty clean what the problem was, but it didn't do much to try to spare their feelings.
This technique can be applied to a lot of conversations that are had around school, not necessarily with awkward things but with helping each other out. Often in the shop we don't want to step on toes by just rushing in to help, you must be tactful about offering to help in a way that lets the other person know you truly are just offering assistance. This can also happen with correcting tool usage, installation problems, and other such happenings in the shop. Sometimes we try to be too nice and coddle others, but sometimes that is what is necessary to get the job done and maintain a happy crew.
I agree with Mary. being nice at first is ideal, but at some points in life you just have to be aggressive in order to get results. if you approach someone nonchalantly and act like the problem is minor, they will treat it as such sometimes, by blowing it off. Although, most Americans have brains and realize that if someone is approaching them in the first place, its probably a pressing issue.
This is something everyone should take into consideration, no matter, what work environment they may be in. This especially applies to theater since most theater people tend to be a bit more open about themselves, and sometimes forget where others' boundaries are or just neglect them altogether. This particular example seems pretty blunt to me, but then again, there's really no other way to go about it and still be nice. The follow-up steps are very helpful in making sure you don't end up offending your coworker.
I find the second suggestion, the one that says to put yourself in the other person’s shoes by sharing a past experience, is particularly helpful when you are trying to teach someone a better or correct way for doing something. This is a situation in which it is very easy to seem like a condescending know-it-all, even though your intention was really only to help the person do something more quickly or safely. By telling the person you are trying to teach about how long it took you to learn the correct way, or how many mistakes you made before you did, they can see that you were once on the receiving end of the very same information you are now trying to pass on.
Conversations like this, especially if you are criticizing the persons personal hygiene, can be really awkward. Going to a supervisor before you talk to the person seems like good advice in some cases, but not all the time. I think people should realize this is an option but then evaluate each situations separately and think about what THEY will look like to their supervisor by complaining that so and so doesn't brush their teeth. Or if they are complaining that someone doesn't do enough work it could come off as trying to get that person in trouble, which some employers really hate. I think offering to help is the best advice in this article, but people should also realize that that can be condescending, and if the person wants you to know they can take care of the problem themselves, you should respect that.
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