Female Gazing: I feel like all I’ve cared about lately are lessons I’ve learned at work.
Today my boss and I said one out loud.
He hired me to do a thing I had never done. I did it, I pushed through the fear. I did a good enough job to get re-hired but I’m still not the most confident person in the world. I still have fear and nerves.
5 comments:
This article actually hit pretty close to home with me, especially with the visual the author chose. Ever since I came to CMU, I have felt very much like the first visual, where everyone else knows a ton of things that I don't know (but should know), and my knowledge encompasses a little circle in a much larger universe. And finally, finally, finally- through classes that actually line up with my knowledge and skill set this semester, I can still acknowledge that there are so many things I do not know or understand, but also that there are things I know and am good at that other people are not as confident in. There is an incredible distinction there. It is something that, despite my many struggles this semester, keeps me feeling like I have gained something. It doesn't mean that I know any more than I did, or that others know any less. It only means that I have learned to accept that we all know a lot of things, usually different things, and that it is NOT me vs. the rest of the world. I completely understand the author's lack of confidence in herself, and hope that I will be able to trust others' assessment of my skills in the future as well.
This article was short and sweet. But I really connected with it still. The two visual charts they have honestly showed exactly how I perceive things sometimes. Their will be an instance were a co worker, someone you should be just as knowledgeable as, teachers you something new, which is a good things, but immediately I think they know a million more things than me. Honestly, thats not true, but I always have that fear of not being good enough and everyone else around me is. I feel it a lot here at CMU, because everyone is so talented, and we express our talents constantly, and I think how the hell did I end up here? The author brings up one thing, that it might just be a not confident person thing, or maybe its more of a women thing, and I don't know. I know I really relate to what she says, as women I don't know if its normal for everyone to feel this way constantly or not. But her message is strong, that we need to, I need to, start trusting our selfs just as much as we need to trust others.
"I need to trust, not just that I’m not bad, but also that I’m improving."
This is a really important lesson, and one that many people here need to start saying to themselves. Especially me. It is very very easy to fail and to say "oh my god, I am the worst. I will never improve." I have been saying to myself a lot lately, "I do not know how to work any harder than I already am." After watching yourself and all of your friends stay up until 5 AM to get projects done, and still be failing, it's pretty disheartening. But I guess that is what this school is trying to make us learn. That with every failure comes some sort of lesson. That lesson might be "hey, it doesn't matter" or "hey, you're now failing your classes and you have to leave, guess you weren't good enough after all" but I guess you can take that lesson with you to your next stage of life. I don't know where this comment is going anymore. But people are failing a lot. So that's good?
This chart is very eye- opening in terms of how it very visually represents the idea of lacking confidence in your own abilities. I think “trusting” is a very delicate balance between trusting other people’s knowledge and abilities outside of your own and trusting your own instincts. I think this mentality could be a “woman thing”, or possibly just something that people who lack confidence/ are taught to not see themselves as intelligent have. Since coming to drama school, I’ve met people who exist on the wide range between these two charts, from being incredibly self- deprecating and who trust everyone and anything but their own knowledge, to people who are so self- confident that they don’t even begin to consider the ideas of others. I think that both of these mentalities are incredibly unhealthy, however, I’ve found that what has been working for me is to try and assume that the people I’m working with have infinite knowledge and creativity outside of my own, because it’s important to always try and learn from your experiences, because if you already think you know everything you will never allow yourself to open up to new knowledge.
This article, especially the visual, really spoke to me. I haven’t really realized this, but I do suffer from this mentality, that others know much more than myself. I know I need to become more confidant in myself and my decisions, but I think that it just comes with time and with the experiences of doing something you have never done before and getting through it. Trusting others decisions to hire/admit you is very important, one I think all of the freshman at CMU have gotten better at with time. Throughout the first few months we blindly followed anyone's advice, believing that they knew so much more than ourselves. We kept on comparing and asking ourselves “how did I even get in here?”. But as the year has gone on, we have moved on to realize that we just have to trust those that admitted us as well as ourselves and our abilities to adapt and to learn.
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