NYTimes.com: "Among the emails responding to my post about sending your son to college were two lists.
The first is from Houston Dougharty, vice-president for Student Affairs at Grinnell College, who has spent much of his 24-year career advising parents on how to prepare their children (and themselves) for this new chapter.
There are five things you must talk about before your kids leave (or shortly thereafter, if you read this and feel the need to play catch up…) he writes"
12 comments:
I remember when I left for college, I didn't really talk to my parents about a lot of the changes that would happen in our relationship. I think this article definitely lays out a good outline for what should be covered in a discussion regarding this relationship transformation. It is important that parents tell their children, that they are now responsible for taking care of themselves, but I think that they should be preparing their children for the transition much earlier than a few months before school. There are lots of kids (freshman specifically) that can't handle the freedom they get when they get to college. I would hope that the parents are preparing their children for this lack of curfew, etc, rather than trying to protect and smother them from the outside world. Help your kids grow up before they get out their on their own!
My father and I never really talked about any of those things before I left for college either. It would of saved us a lot of trouble and money if we had. I don't know how many students had this type of conversation with their parents before leaving, but I think it is on that all parents should have with their children. Leaving home to go to college is probably the scariest experiences one has in their lives. This will help kids be prepared for all of the new things they are going to experience.
I also really agree with the second part of the article. Even though parents don't really think about it there are some things that are just not necessary for students to have. I will admit to being one of those children that wanted the new books, tv, ect. After a year of college though I realized those things didn't help me at all. It is nice to have cable tv, but there is no need to pay $60 bill each month when there is hulu. I think students need to realize that they can't have all of these things. Perhaps this will help them when they have to pay their own bills.
I'm kinda surprised that the articel didn't talk about how to handle things like emergencies or disease. My parents and I have an odd enough relationship that I was use to a self imposed curfew and then having to drag myself out of bed the next morning, but what I wasn't used to was having to deal with things like a fever of bad flu while. It's odd that while I packed about 1/3 of what I brought last year, my supplies in things like Nyquil, cough drops, and Tylenol have more then doubled since I've learned how much it sucks to get that stuff once your sick.
i actually disagree with some of the advice they noted in the article. First of all, i think it really does depend on the kid. But also, talking ahead of time about what form of communication is allowed might make students feel boxed in too much. Why not try what they feel is good and then adjust if its not working. As the article mentioned, college is about freedom. And while a lot of people haven't had that type of total freedom before, i think the sink or swim model is pretty good.
I also disagree with the talking about time management. Most parents want to tell their kids how to manage their time, but that just doesn't work. the kid needs to figure out what works for them, not have the convo ahead of time. But I also agree with Liz that maybe these conversations should happen MUCH before they go to college. Parents must teach their kids when they are still at home to manage their time/work.
Overall, i think that the timeframe for much of these conversations is way off. either too early or too late. THere's no need to discuss winter break rules in August!
I both agree and disagree with the article. While communication is very important, it is also very important to allow the student to make their own decisions (and mistakes). These lessons must be taught to the student in preparation for leaving for college, but instead throughout the time that is spent at home during high school. By teaching these skills early, there is no need to bombard the student with rules at the point they are beginning to exercise their independence.
hmmm, I talked to my parents about some of this stuff, which I definitely think was a good idea. As much as I hate my parents calling me and emailing me everyday, I think they deserve to know how I'm doing with school and stuff like that. But students and their parents shouldn't be contacting each other everyday. I think parents need to give their children some space and freedom to start living alone and independently. That's really important.
I think they ought to rename this article "Checklist for students with parents." These issues are ones that students ought to be invested in and have a large degree of control over. The more parents push these discussions, the less responsibility the student takes for them on their own. I think students should work these issues out for themselves, and solicit advice from their parents when they want it.
This list is a good beginning for parents and students to look at before going off to school, but it is not a complete list. A big thing that needs to be discussed is what you need to do living away from home. Simple things like doing laundry, cooking, cleaning...etc.
When I went off to school, I don't remember discussing any of these items, but rather just knew what I should do from my prior experience in life. It is a great benefit to have lived away from home for extended periods of time, because it allows you to develop these skills prior to being thrown into the college world.
Helicopter Parents probably loved this article. My parents had this whole discussion with me before high school. Allowing me to make mistakes at home (so they can offer some assistance and advice) worked out well so that now I can handle problems myself. I really think students should be ready for college before leaving. The whole inexperience with study times, waking up by themselves, and curfew, is just ridiculous. At the age of 18 you should already be doing this yourself. As for the skills I didn't learn in high school, I learned better by exploring it myself. How can you ever create your own approach to life with your parents dictating everything you say, do, and eat.
The freedom to make mistakes is part of what college is about because guess what? Life isn't clean and organized by your parents. Get over it.
as a sophomore, this article makes me really nostalgic about freshman year because i remember thinking through all these things and being really overwhelmed. as i look back on my freshman year though, i feel like learning through my daily trials and tribulations i experienced not only in class but in cmu in general taught me so much. i feel like last year i really learned how to be independent and that although it was hectic at first, it really taught me a lot of responsibility and many vital life lessons
I think a key point that this article leaves out is that parents need to make it clear to their kids that they are aware of the many changes that are ahead and that by being involved they do not mean to add additional pressure Parents also need to make it clear that while they expect kids to start solving problems on their own, it is also expected for them to make mistakes during this process. I feel that when kids no matter how self sufficient they are run into serious problems it is often because they did not feel comfortable being honest with their parents about a situation.
Before i left for college my parents didnt talk to me about any of this. in fact, everything was my reasponsiblity. whether it was supplies or clothes or whaterver. this article doesnt give us enough credit. we are adults. I knew way more than my parents did when i left.
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