BWW Exclusive: Broadway star Patrick Page, a veteran of eleven Broadway shows including Casa Valentina, Lion King, and Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, has recently been sharing open and honest pieces on social media regarding his longtime struggle with depression, and his strong desire to help others fighting their own battles with the illness. After reading his moving posts, BWW reached out to the actor and asked him if he would consider sharing his story with our readers.
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I somehow missed this article when it came out in 2014. Regardless on when this was posted, I think it is an extremely brave thing for Patrick Page to do. Coming to terms with having an illness like depression must be a very difficult thing to do, and I admire Patrick Page for being so open about his experiences and struggles. What struck me the most is the story he told of the man who worked on Spiderman with him and took his own life. Page seemed to feel some sort of guilt for not being open with this man about his depression and recovery before the man eventually committed suicide. In more recent years, I think the conversation about mental illness have shifted, and perhaps if it were today, Page would have felt more comfortable talking openly with his cast about his depression.
This article and Page's story makes me wonder how companys' and organizations' cultures can safely encourage their employees and teams to be open about depression. On one hand, this is a deeply personal matter that many choose to keep to themselves. On the other, maybe by changing our society's views on the "private" matter of depression, we can make those who suffer feel less alone.
This article really hit home for me, in no small part because I’ve worked with actors and stage hands that suffer from depression. What mr. Page said about theater (especially acting) being one of the only professions where its acceptable too go and curl up under a blanket in a corner every time you come off stage is very true. As a stage manger every rehearsal is requires you to play a mental guessing game, is that person curled up in a corner because that’s what they do to get in character or is it because they need to fight with some internal demons? What I ended up deciding is that its always worth checking with them, most of the time you’ll be interfering with an actor’s process, and even if you’re not and something really is wrong there’s a good chance they won’t tell you (like Page says in his interview there’s a lot of stigma around depression and most people don’t like talking about it). However sometimes you’ll get it right and something will be wrong and they will talk to you about it. It may not change anything but there’s a chance that you caring will be enough to get them through the rest of the day and that makes it worth while. I’m realizing that this has turned out long and ramble-y and that writing isn’t really the best way to convey the ideas I’m going for here. But I guess the short version is this, when you see that person curled up in a corner go and ask if there’s anything they need.
Like this article said there is a lot of stigma around depression and other mental illnesses which is why it is going to be incredibly hard for me to write this comment, but here we go. I have struggled with depression in the past, most notably through the entirety of 11th grade and in the winter and spring of my senior year. I am doing a lot better since the end of my last episode but Mr. Page's words still really hit home for me.
He says, "I get through the first scene, but it's as if I am watching everyone else through a pane of glass. I can hear the words coming out of my mouth--as if they are coming from another room-but I have no connection to them." And there's no way I can better think to describe my day-to-day experience with depression. Yes, there are times when you are crying for hours, or you can't get out of bed in the morning, or you feel sadness and self-loathing rising in your stomach like vomit. But mostly my own depression, and everyone's is different, was like the emotional equivalent of watching paint dry. I felt completely numb and separated from anyone or anything I loved. As well as completely and absolutely alone.
I remember the day I found out Robin Williams had committed suicide. It was the first time I had ever been deeply moved by the death of a celebrity, someone I didn't know. I felt like not only had the world lost something, but I personally had as well. It was also when I decided to start being more open about my own experiences with mental illness.
And if there is anyone out there who reads this and wants someone to talk to but doesn't want to go to a professional, first of all know that that is okay, there is nothing wrong with you for not wanting to bare your soul to some complete stranger. I know I hated therapy both times I tried it. But also know that there are plenty of people who would love to talk with you. And not even necessarily about your illness, we could just swap stupid jokes and talk about what we've been watching on Netflix. Just know you are not, and will never be, alone.
Is it just me or I've been hearing a lot of stories and seeing a lot of articles about Depression this past year? It’s like this issue has become one of the vital issues in today’s society. I’ve been hearing a lot of news about artists depression and committing suicide which then became a sensitive topics for people to worry if younger generations or teenagers…. Or anyone actually, in today’s society will use it as their final solution to get away from their problems. I mean, I believe people of this generations has faced much higher level of stress compare to people in the previous generations because of competitions, expectations, peer pressure, social media, insecurity and all that jazz. From what I see, the main reason of people’s rooted from family expectations. Many new parents tend to force their children to be something that parents want them to be, not what they want to be, and those competitions among parents that children have to learn music and sports and 3rd and 4th languages and etc. results in low level of security and high level of pressure to children and the thought of only living up to parents expectations, which is toxic, which leads to they don’t know who they are because they never get a chance to find it. The other is peers and society, competition over each other, like what we have at CMU which many people might have experienced, the judgement over each other, that brings down the level of your confident, which is toxic, and people who have it don’t know how to escape from it or don’t know who to talk to, not everyone wants to go to therapists and admit that they have depression. I think especially in our industry where competition level is so high, is very important to always be aware of our own EQ level and deal with it with our best heart because only you knows yourself best. Sometimes we live too much up to others expectations and judgement and forget to look back on ourselves, which I think that is the most important thing.
Around the time of Robin Williams' death, I read an article by a comedian contemplating why so many comedians and comedic actors are depressed or fall victim to suicide. He explored the idea that funny people are more prone to depression because they learned their funny-ness at a young age. They learned that making people laugh made people like them, so all the wanted to do was to make people laugh. Then they learned that when they tried to open up, people had preferred the clown. So they closed themselves away. That made it hard to deal with the depression, as there is also a stigma about depression. That only certain kinds of people can be depressed. "He couldn't have been depressed, he was always smiling!" Depression is easy to hide, and easier to ignore.
This was a very brave thing for Page to do. All my life, I have been a go-to person for people I know with depression and/or anxiety. When I was the head of my school's GSA, listening to people became a huge part of my life. Many of the students in the alliance struggled with depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and general fear for becoming who they were and being accepted by other people. I gave out my phone number with a 24-hour policy- "I don't care if it's 3 am and I have a test first period, if you need someone to talk to, call me." And it was hard. I'm not going to lie, when you have your own issues to deal with, it is not always easy listening to other people's fears or talking 15-year-olds back into believing that they are worth something, and that it does get easier. So that became something that was very important to me: making sure that everyone had a person to turn to, if they weren't comfortable with anyone else. So when my friend Dylan killed himself last spring, I was inconsolable. He was a wonderful person with a huge heart and an even bigger smile, and I had no idea that he was struggling. I just kept thinking of all the kids I tried to help, and if maybe I'd known, I'd have been able to help him too. It hurt me, too, to think that maybe I wouldn't have been any help at all, because this disease is a bitch. It does not get the proper respect it should, garnering comments like "Well have you tried to just be...happy?" without any consideration for the chemical imbalances in a depressed person's brain. If there is anything that we should take from this article, and Robin Williams, and my dear friend Dylan, it's that even if you can't see it, depression is real, and it is terrible, and it is relentless, and it should never be underestimated.
Depression is one of the most complicated illnesses I have ever seen, because every case is different and every case is easy to hide, until it suddenly isn't. Robin Williams shocked the world with his illness and his suicide, and that just goes to show how much depression alludes people, and the stigma it has. People think that if you can't see it right away or it's not right in front of you than it doesn't exist. As a country and as a culture we need to recognize depression as a real serious illness, and maybe we can help some people, who desperately need it.
Depression, especially in a theatrical world, becomes such a tricky thing. Often it becomes confusing, after living day-to-day in such a world of heightened emotions. It becomes easy to question the validity of a feeling, and write it off as the product of our environment. I know many of my peers have experienced depression-like symptoms, if not the thing itself. For something so large, all encompassing, and wide spread, depression is so seldom actually discussed. Even worse, people so readily assume that no one else can be bothered by their struggle, since everyone has "problems of their own". Reaching out can quickly establish a level of solidarity, but is so seldom done.
I must applaud this author for his frankness and candor. Such a personal struggle must have been so hard to pen, even more difficult to see published. But the more that people discuss it, the harder it is for depression to get someone into a room alone.
I too seemed to have missed this article when it originally came out, and I’m glad it has resurfaced on this blog. Depression is one of those crazy human conditions that seems to be common and yet stigmatized. Somewhere in the article it mentioned 10% of the population suffering from depression, this actually seems like a significant underestimate of the impact of depression in our society. Depression can be chronic or temporary, and this article gives way to the idea that it comes on waves, sometimes provoked by nothing at all. I often wonder if the arts include a much higher percentage of people suffering from depression because the community is so welcoming and understanding of the human condition. With that being said, I noticed that one of the comments wondered how company’s’ and organizations’ cultures can safely encourage their employees and teams to be open about depression. This quandary makes me wonder if all theatres should have some sort of mental health professional on staff. Someone who can help juggle the struggle between creating a character onstage and hiding behind another character offstage. Maybe this is another reason to advocate for the affordable health insurance for everyone, so they can afford to see a therapist. Or maybe articles like this help us to keep the conversation going, which is half the battle.
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