Sunday, November 01, 2009
Letting Your Grad Student Go
Post Gazette: "WHEN Sheila Natbony sent her daughter, Jessica, off to college, she took to calling her each morning before class, a wake-up exchange that eased her concerns that, yes, her daughter had made it home the night before. The routine seeped into graduate school. 'My mom would call to remind me of an early class, an early exam,' says Miss Natbony, now 22 and in her second year at Georgetown Law."
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It so interesting to see how strongly parents try to hold onto their children, and how much adult children hold on to their parents. It's very odd to think that parents are doing grad school applications, but I guess if the parent is a helicopter parent, I guess it happens. The pointers look helpful for those in this situation. What rang strongest was "We have to prepare them for real life -- if we don't, we've failed them as parents."
This article made me realize how many people are completely dependent on their parents. If this 22 year old couldn't keep track of her deadlines, how was she surviving college? It's as though her mom told her what books to pack everyday and reminded her of her schedule. People need to be able to think on their own, and it didn't seem like that was happening. In terms of the applications, I'm not very surprised, but really question their motives. If their kid can't apply to grad school on their own, how will they survive in the real world? (seemingly the parents' goal...)
I hope people in my generation stop the helicoptering quite so much, but we'll have to see.
I'll admit to having parents who want to be involved in every step of my educational process, even as a grad student. Because of this, I didn't even tell my parents I had applied to grad school until I was accepted here. This limited their incessant desire to help to more practical matters like finding housing and taking out loans. These were all things I had done on my own anyway, but I allowed them to think they were helping. Not that I'm advocating for withholding information from your parents, but I found it best to take initiative and then report back. Parents worry by nature, so students can help them by finding or suggesting other distractions. Sometimes the best thing you can do is to deflect.
When I moved away from home to a place my parents had never been to a school my parents had never heard of into an apartment my parents hadn't checked out beforehand, it was definitely a new experience for a while. And certainly for the first few weeks we spoke every day or two, but as time went on it would be longer and longer amounts of time, till it was months between times we talked, and they only came to California to see my twice in the three years I was there. I can't say how wonderful that was for me and how much it helped me grow up and fend for myself when it comes to taking care of myself and leading my own life. I can't stand parents who stay around forever trying to help their kids along but actually holding them back, much in the same way I can't imagine being someone who goes home for the weekend every week. I think you need to grow up and live your own life away from the place and people you grew up with.
This made me realize how my parents compare with many other parents of college students. I thought my parents were very involved in my life and college planning, but after reading this article, they're actually not that bad. I'm glad that my parents are so invested in my success in college and later in life, I think that's part of their job as a parent. But I think there's a fine line that is sometimes pushed. And if the parents keep being so involved in the student's life, the student will never learn to function independently, which is really important.
Having Parents involved in the process of college applications means that the application doesn't actually reflect the student. I've heard of parents re-writing their child's essays and dictating everything from what to include and what to say when. The parents are not the ones going to college. SO BACK OFF! No one wants a student who only got into a school because their parent's helped them. Unless the parents plan on doing all their child's homework for college, then grad school, and then doing their job for them before dying and leaving them enough money for the rest of their lives, then parents should back off long before the college application process. It's really sad to see that so many students are raised without the ability to function on their own. How will the work force function 10 years down the road if no one can even proof read their own work having been raised with parents who triple check everything they do. If you are a helicopter parent, then perhaps you shouldn't have had kids in the first place.
I agree with many of the statements said above. Overall, I feel that the parents involvement in the colleg application process should be minimal. By the time college applications are needed, the child should be able to fill them out and submitt them with little help. Now, this of course excludes any questions, becase not everyone knows everything and half the battle is knowing where to find the answer. I feel that the parental involvment should reflect the parents' involvement in the actual schooling. If the parents afre doing the applications, then the parents shold be doing the school work as well.
I strongly believe there has to a balance between what a student does entirely on their own and what is beneficial for the parents to be involved in. Especially when a student is just beginning the college process I believe it is beneficial for the parents to be present and aware of the choices that their children are making, not only for financial reasons but also as support during what can be an overwhelming and confusing process. However, I think it is also important for parents to acknowledge that college is not only only important as an academic resource but as an important transition period during which children are supposed to become more independent and able to make decisions on their own.
I can really relate to this article. My mom was always really involved in my school life in high school, much to my dismay. Being away hasn't seemed to deter her from trying to be involved in my school work. She calls and asks about my assignments and if I tell her what I have due then she proceeds to nag me about it until that due date has passed. I feel like this article has given me some helpful tips in separating my school life from my own "helicopter mom." I though that being in Israel for a year had solidified my position as an independent person in the eyes of my mom, but apparently I still have to work on that. I would hate to be in Sheila's position when its time for me to apply to grad school or when applying for jobs.
My mother always says "There's nothing in the mommy handbook that says I need to pay for your college." There's a long continuum of parental involvement. I think this generation doesn't know how to tell their parents to back off as much as older generations did. Also there's a point of diminishing returns where these overprotective parents aren't allowing their children to learn useful life skills like waking up on time or remembering deadlines.
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