I had graduated from a Long Island high school where most students didn’t go to college, so I was convinced that at Amherst I would be overmatched by my better-educated, more sophisticated classmates and sliced to ribbons by my brilliant professors. To my surprise, I fared well academically, but I never entirely got over the feeling of being an impostor. Only decades later, at a class reunion, did I discover that many of my peers had felt exactly the same way.
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I remember during Freshmen orientation, when we had our first drama meeting Peter Cooke told our class that the competition was over now that we had been accepted into the school. It was now time to collaborate and share ideas with our classmates, to learn from them. It’s interesting to look back on that time now, because then I found it hard to believe him. We were in one of the most prestigious universities with one of the most competitive conservatory programs and we were told that the competition was over. In hindsight, Peter was right. To believe that this is a solo journey and that it is you against the rest is problematic. The article hits on this a little bit that if freshmen students hear from upperclassmen that it is a good idea to seek out help and make connections. It seems obvious but when you in a new place for the first time with numerous strangers, it is to shut down, to make it you against the world. But, everyone was in the same boat.
I remember the day after I got home from my Carnegie Mellon University interview I sat down and started writing my applications to other schools. I reached out to a photographer friend and had my art pieces which had just been in a loose folder photographed and put in an actual portfolio for my next interview. In other words, I was absolutely convinced I had bombed the interview and application and had no chance of being accepted. From the letter to orientation week through most of the first semester I was waiting to be told that my acceptance had been a mistake. But one thing that did really help me was how supportive my class was of each other. At that point, I hadn’t made many close friends even within my class, but I knew that any one of them would help me if I reached out to them. Had I felt like I needed to be competing with them every step of the way I don’t know if I would have made it through the first year. The best advice I can give the freshmen is to build a strong support structure within your class. You might get annoyed with your classmates, but at the end of the day be there for each other, even the people you’d don’t particularly get along with. One of my goals for this year is to reach out to more people and continue to build my social network on campus. I’ve discovered it helps me both personally and professionally because our campus is full of incredibly talented, intelligent people and I should not be intimidated by them but inspired.
A recurring theme in this article is isolation. Believing that you are the only one that feels a certain way-- that you aren't talented enough to be in the program, that you are the only one who doesn't know what they're doing, that for some reason it's predetermined that you won't succeed-- is incredibly damaging when starting a difficult task such as attending college. As the article points out, the only true cure for feeling isolated is reaching out to others. I've talked to many upperclassmen who said that once their started making friends and being in a stable social situation, their grades started to improve dramatically even if they felt fine academically before. Our natural human desire to connect to other people effects us more deeply than we sometimes realize, and attending university is no exception to this. Something this article mentioned that once you feel like less of an outsider in other contexts-- finding friends who have similar interests, joining clubs for people with specific hobbies, or meeting someone from your hometown-- you also feel less like an outsider in a general sense. Therefore, you mentally debunk the fear that you "don't belong here" and start performing high above your low expectations for yourself.
When I first got to CMU I definitely felt like I was not good enough to be here. I did not know other people’s skills and talents, but I assumed that they were all better than me. I felt this even more than your average Design and Production freshman because I got off the priority waitlist so I was not one of their first choices of students they wanted. I did not have an art background at all so I was very intimated by design class. As the semester started to pick I realized that I was not the only one in my class that did not have an art background. We all were trying, and sometimes failing together. Everyone was very supportive of each other, even if we all were not the best of friends. It was extremely helpful to have such a close class that you can count on to take this journey with you. I kind of feel bad for people at other schools that do not have a close community that they can count on and who know exactly what they are going through. Having people to depend on in college is extremely helpful in all aspects.
I never felt like I didn't deserve to get accepted to CMU. I had worked extremely hard through high school, I was extremely passionate about theatre and stage management, and I felt pretty confident in the skills I had so far. When I arrived, I was excited beyond belief. And no, I was not one of the people who believed Peter Cooke when he said "the competition is over." I still felt like I had to prove myself to my professors and my classmates, but that it was an achievable feat. It was not until I started hearing stories from classmates that I felt my confidence shattering. All of a sudden, I was not a smart and passionate 18 year-old stage manager; I was just a girl from the Massachusetts suburbs who spent more time playing sports than doing theatre internships, more time watching Netflix movies than driving to Boston to see shows, more time hanging out with my friends than building my resume...in short, more time doing all the wrong things than all the right things. And it seemed my classmates had been doing all the right things. It took a really long time for me to bounce back from the feeling that I was already years behind in my training, but if I could go back, I would remind myself that it isn't the resume or the experience or the honed skill that makes a good student, but the raw drive, passion, and commitment to learning. If I had realized that earlier, I think I would have struggled a lot less as a freshman and felt a lot less pressure to redeem myself as a sophomore. Today, I celebrate the fact that my classmates and I come from all different backgrounds for the strength it gives us as a group. Today, I am able to lean on others with the confidence that they will also need to lean on me, and I am a better manager, student, and person for it.
I can still remember the first day of freshman year orientation. I don't think I have ever been so nervous in my life. Truly, one thing helped me out the most in my anxious state. During our first School of Drama meeting, all the professors on stage and everyone who spoke said something so powerful and true. They said that we weren't alone. Hearing that was so necessary because so many Freshman have this idea that they are going through it alone. Whatever it may be. They forget that there are quite a few students in the same position. not only that, but there are upperclassmen who have already gone through the stresses of freshman year; who have already experience and overcome the fear of failure and are still doing it now even after freshman year. Specially at CMU, there are so many resources to help students, clubs to join, and so many people to meet and become friends with that could help you out through whatever fears of college you may have.
The freshman self doubt is absolutely an important part of the puzzle that is the mental health of
college students. Actually the self doubt isn’t limited to freshman year either. The article talks about using workshops as a tool to help minorities who typically struggle in college compared to their counterparts, this isn’t the only application of a conversation about self doubt however, and nor is it a conversation that can only benefit those who might drop out. We as a class are very fortunate that we found we could trust each other with those doubts about if we were good enough for the program, intimidated by those who seemed inherently more talented or simply smarter. This conversation certainly made me and I believe many of my classmates feel far more comfortable at the school. Carnegie Mellon isn’t exactly known for being a champion of mental health, this however could be a good place to start. Talking about our very real fears of not being good enough, despite the fact that everyone at this school is incredibly talented and here for a reason.
This is a truly poignant and on-point article that most students can relate to. As the institutions or as professional individuals that provide education to younger generation, one should be always conscious of the fact that students are not machines and that they need proper care. Universities tend to conveniently and easily underestimate their responsibilities of taking care of students' mental health because they are all "adults" now. But the truth is, the first two years of undergraduate studies are just as critical in students' growth and universities should absolutely help them through this transition.
I didn't feel any unworthiness when I was a freshman (uh, wow 5 years ago?) because I didn't really decide what I wanted to strive for in the future so I chose English major as a buffer zone to think. English was easy for me so I didn't have to burn my brain or cry my eyes out everyday to get a good grade. It wasn't until senior year that I actually seriously considered pursuing stage/production management as a career. CMU was the only school I applied to and that's how certain I was that I wouldn't be qualified to get in. My plan was originally to work in a local theatre for a year, got more experience and confidence, and then started my more thorough and official application process. But sometimes when you had zero hope in something, you got it. I was actually in shock when I got accepted. Like the article said, I was convinced that it happened with a stroke of luck, especially given how experienced and knowledgeable some of my classmates are. The reason why I steered my way out of insanity and extreme stress, I think, is that first, I'm old, and second, I am fully aware and embracing the fact that I need to learn so much more. My first semester went smoothly and then the second semester when I was actually the SM myself instead of just an assistant, I freaked out real bad. But after a summer of reflection and re-adjusting, I think I've found my way back to the learning-and-not-fearing-to-make mistakes attitude.
I think this is fantastic! How amazing is it that one 40-minute experience of genuine human sharing can have such a significant positive impact. Universities – do this thing!
For many, myself included, fear of failure and imposter syndrome isn’t limited to freshman year. It was certainly a part of my first year of grad school and is a fairly low-level constant. Sharing for those who may feel similar: of course I wish it were otherwise, but it doesn't affect my feelings or work as much as it used to because I recognize it and do my best to manage it by adjusting my perspective. What helps me: in a field where we are so often emotionally invested in the outcome of our work, it’s worth remembering that are worth as people is based in so much more than just our work. It lowers the stakes. We're all here because we love and are passionate about our profession, but ultimately, its just that... a profession.
While largely unproductive, I think this fear is completely justifiable. College is the largest set of unknowns most freshmen have faced hitherto; of course that will be daunting. Looking back, my freshman year was brutal. I arrived at college, fresh off a concussion, and it rapidly became apparent approximately two weeks into the semester that thing I was doing (biology) was not actually the thing I wanted to do (theatre, but it would take me a full school year to actually make it happen). And in this limbo, my fear of being worse off than my peers found rationalization, and took on a ring of truth. It was a founded fear.
It worked out for me, but I was alarmingly close to having it *not* work out. And that very real risk and uncertainty is almost impossible to truly mitigate or remove. It is simply intrinsic to the process of moving up through life.
I am so happy that this article is out there. The best advice that I was given as a Freshman was that is ok to get a C on the assignment. When I was in high school my parents had very high standards for me that I should only get As and Bs. Hearing from a professor that I really respect say that you can’t always give 100% was the most comforting thing. In school, and in life, you need to pick and choose. The “to-do” pile is always growing and getting bigger and bigger, then next thing you know it is Sunday night, and you have two big projects due Monday morning. You will not be able to give them both your all. You just need to trust your gut to make the right decisions on which one to give 80%. And it will all be ok.
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